I Bear Witness

July 3, 2009

A List

Filed under: Family — Tags: , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 10:37 pm

Chloe playing with a friend on a sunny day.

Chloe playing with a friend on a sunny day.


“The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.” ~Arthur Schopenhauer

“The earth laughs in flowers.” ~ee cummings

Because my father is dead:
I have a newfound intolerance for bullshit. I notice the weeds in our garden. I don’t read as much, but I study more. I loathe loathsome people more fervently.
I don’t sweep our hardwood floor enough. I now believe the dishes can wait. I take my dog to the beach and talk to strangers for hours, but I won’t call any dear friends. I pepper sentences with profanity.
I call my newly widowed mother and listen to her pain. I am writing a short story that involves about my ex-husband’s tiny penis (nods to Anne Lamott for her brilliant penis idea).
I listen to Moby.
I ache with the loss of his good nature and wonder where did it go? I weep often, but always alone. I don’t share this pain with anyone except a friend in Ohio. She’s a poet, so there you go.
I leave our bedroom a mess. I don’t fold laundry. I still can’t find a job, but I’m attending college, so I’ve evened the score. I long for a lemon tree. I stopped respecting one brother, but I can’t tell you which one in case lurkers lurk. If so, I’ll be sure to say, “You? You thought I meant you? No, not at all! Why would you think such a thing?” so obviously I haven’t lost my passive/aggressive edge.
That’s not bound to change.
There’s more but this is all I can stand for today.

May 2, 2009

Southbound Train

Filed under: Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease (CJD), Family — Tags: , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 3:30 pm

March 30, 2009

I’ll board the train tomorrow morning. It’s a long but beautiful trip along the coast and for a while inland, but inland in the beautiful countryside. I have books. I have movies. I have a plot for an interesting novel rattling around in my head. Since I have my computer and Scrivener, maybe I’ll spend a lot of time writing.

My mother declared that she doesn’t want my brothers Lloyd and Ralph to know their father is dying. My sister-in-law appealed to me to talk her out of that, because no one thinks that’s right. My mother holds grudges forever. I can understand not telling Lloyd if I look at life through my mother’s eyes. He hasn’t given his father the time of day for many years, even though he lives just a few miles away. Everyone in the family is sure he’s switched from his thirty-year methadone use back to his first love: heroin. A heroin addicts tends to steal from family and he’s not entirely welcomed anymore.

But Ralph? No. She would regret that way too much.

I called my mom. “I don’t want Ralph to quit his job and fly out here. He’ll move in and we don’t want him here,” she said. “Tell him he can visit, but he can’t move here.” So that’s what I did. I explained that Dad has moments when company, even family, irritates him to the point that he’s hallucinating things like packs of dogs walking through the tops of the eucalyptus trees. Just a few days ago, he was going to cut a bright orange outdoor extension cord (plugged in) with a skill saw before my mother stopped him. “But those people have been waiting for me to fix this all day long!” he cried.

This morning I called Mom to tell her that I’d talked to my brother about visiting. I explained how I put it (gently). She says, “Oh. Well. That wasn’t necessary. I think it would be good if he stayed with us. He could help a lot.”

That’s when I remembered why I live 1,300 miles away.

My brother will be there by the time I’m there. He lives in Maui.

“How many days will you be here?” Mom asks. Three days. School starts next week.

“Are you sure you even want to bother coming?” she asks.

I’m sure what she means is, “Everyone else is coming here to stay, but you won’t step up so why even come?” I have chosen to take many deep breaths and remember that she’s under a great amount of stress, but news flash! So am I.

So Lloyd won’t be told by decree, and neither will my father. That’s right. He doesn’t know. She doesn’t want him to know. I am struggling mightily with that because I would want to know. Would you want to know? More importantly, would he want to know?

Hospice called. My mother explained to the woman that she doesn’t want them to tell him he’s dying either.

“But ma’am, if he asks we can’t lie to him,” she said.

“You have to,” my mother declared.

When I talked to Mom this morning I offered to spend at least the first night in a hotel since I’m coming in after 1:00 am. She wouldn’t hear of it, and told me to just sneak in the door. She’ll leave the door open.

“I don’t know where your brother will sleep,” she said. My father was doing something nearby in the kitchen listening to our conversation.

“He can sleep with the fishes,” he said.

“Did you hear that?” Mom asked. “Your dad said Ralph can sleep with the fishes.” Ha. Yeah, I heard it. If he can think clearly enough to make that joke, I think he can understand he’s dying. He might like the chance to say goodbye.

I’ll end this right there.

January 20, 2009

A New Day

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 6:34 pm

Three bags of groceries sit in the car and I know I should carry them in, but I’m about to burst with joy and I neeeeeeeeeeeed to write something while I listen to brand new (just released today) music from Fiction Family while bands march and pundits blather on and on and on on MSNBC. This is a fantastic day! Today is the end of eight years of our nation’s nightmare and frankly, dear reader, I don’t give a good golly damn if you disagree with my assessment because I know I write truth and if you don’t believe it, become a ghost 100 years from now and come back to see what the historians say. To quote The Internets, the historians will say, “FAIL!”
And besides (coming back to the groceries in the car), it’s cold outside – possibly as cold as the inside of the fridge, so what does it matter if they sit for a while?
I’ve got some celebrating to do! George Bush and his fellow war criminals are no longer holding the reins and I can breathe a little bit better tonight.
Jim and I woke up early this morning, threw on our clothes and drove to Sally Anne’s house so we could watch the ceremony with friends: Joe and Sally Anne, another couple (the male part of the couple was Sally Anne’s ex-husband, his wife Sally Anne’s good friend), and later that morning a neighbor from across the street came over with a loaf of home made Irish soda bread.
“Can I toast this?” Sally Anne asked.
We are America. Sally Anne and Joe live in an upper class neighborhood on a hill overlooking Lake Washington. They’re not far from the freeway and close enough to Seattle. We live a few minutes away from them in a tiny little town developed fifty years ago for Korean veterans, big yards full of huge hemlock trees and small cinder block houses. Our house has been remodeled and although small, is trendy and comfortable. Most of the houses in our little town are a little run down. One man from our group works for Boeing, a blue-collar job, and a machinist’s union member. His wife (me) is unemployed, laid off and having a rough time finding a job although she’s enjoying the down time and feels it’s helped her remember what matters to her.
Sally Anne’s ex is retired. His wife is bubbly and dear. Joe, Sally Anne’s second and much-better husband, designs yacht interiors and is quick to explain that even the very rich stopped spending money on yacht interiors and his work has dried up. Sally Anne worked with Joe before the work disappeared and their neighbor from across the street is also unemployed just like me. Out of seven two are unemployed and two are self-employed with nothing coming in.
Are there any mathematicians here? Percentages?
We ate bagels this morning, paper-thin slices of cold ham, assorted cheeses, strawberries and other fresh fruits. We drank coffee and wept for joy.
Not everyone is happy and I understand, but really – seriously – even if it only lasts for a day, I don’t really care.

Praise song for the day.
Each day we go about our business, walking past each other, catching each others’ eyes or not, about to speak or speaking. All about us is noise. All about us is noise and bramble, thorn and din, each one of our ancestors on our tongues. Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair.
Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.
A woman and her son wait for the bus.
A farmer considers the changing sky; A teacher says, “Take out your pencils. Begin.”
We encounter each other in words, words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; words to consider, reconsider.
We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone and then others who said, “I need to see what’s on the other side; I know there’s something better down the road.”
We need to find a place where we are safe; We walk into that which we cannot yet see.
Say it plain, that many have died for this day. Sing the names of the dead who brought us here, who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges, picked the cotton and the lettuce, built brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep clean and work inside of.
Praise song for struggle; praise song for the day. Praise song for every hand-lettered sign; The figuring it out at kitchen tables.
Some live by “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”
Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need.
What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance.
In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp — praise song for walking forward in that light. – Elizabeth Alexander

November 29, 2008

A New New Beginning

Filed under: Money Matters, Mull — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 4:24 pm

Apologies in advance for this word dump. I haven’t written in days and there are fifty-two million words aching to get out of my head. I can’t predict a theme and don’t even know if anything I write will be coherent but the words clamber for a way out of here and so here they come.

It starts with this: In a conversation with a dear friend we mulled a theme we see in familiar blogs: Cycles.

My friend and I belong to an interesting community of bloggers. Many writers have known each other for ten years. We read a woman who feels desperately lonely and longs for a partner, keeps on trying to find her perfect mate, but manages to get her heart broken over and over again. We know a professional woman who writes glowingly about all the good deeds she does, ostensibly for the comments full of praise, “You’re such a generous soul,” the noters note. There is a short and overweight man who befriends and flirts with vulnerable women and turns on them with clever/cruel words when they are feeling weak and lost. He’s a bully, but I bet he’s a pushover in his real world. Cancer survivors write about fear. Divorcees write out their bitterness. Young women try to find their footing.

We go around and around and all around again, with no solution in sight. Some issues are acceptable and some of them aren’t. We resolve our issues and move past them in victory but POOF! The issues reappear and we have to resolve them again. I get tired. I get dizzy. I want resolution.

Reading though the lives of my online friends makes me wonder if we have any hope of ever traveling in one direction for more than an instant. At least I think that way inside of my head.

My heart tells me, “Yes! Yes! You can attain your dreams,” and I know my heart is right. Hmm… That’s not true. I don’t know my heart is right. I hope it’s right. Hope. We may not walk in a straight line, but we’re traveling in a general direction if we decide to try. This blog is about my attempt at trying.

These words are about trying. I try, then fail, pick myself back up out of the mud, take a nice long lavender-scented bath (with candles) and try it all over again. I suspect, because as my friend and I have discussed, we all seem to share this trait, all of us except the Internet Marketers who want to sell us their self-published books about how to make a lucrative career merely Twittering about your own self-published book about how to make a lucrative career. Those folks make me crazy, or jealous, especially if they’re not lying. Most of those folks are full of crap, or spam, or crap made of spam.

I Twitter because I like people. Oh! Look! A puppy.

Last year I was laid off from a job I thought I’d have forever. It took me six months to find another great job, and I was so excited about the new opportunity! I was laid off from the new job within four months when the economy took a turn towards 1939. My boss felt terrible. Terrible! He occasionally sends emails asking, “Are you doing okay?”

He didn’t feel as terrible as I did, and no I’m not okay. I am still not sure why, but this layoff on the heels of such encouragement, such assurance, such hope laid me very low. I was devastated and I’m just beginning to believe I can pick myself up again.

Here’s where I am in that process (because dear one, we learn from each other, so that’s why I share): I am terrified about money. I’ve worked (for the most part) since I was seventeen and my work ethic is pointing its pointy finger at me. But! But! I am positive this is The Time to make a one-chance-in-a-lifetime change.

I’m an artist. I’m a writer. I used to create wonderful things that people loved to buy, but then came a (terrible) marriage, then two lovely kids, a home and real life responsibilities – no time for fun stuff like art. I believe, I hope, I dream, but I’m good at those three things.

What I need to learn this time around is how to plan, then implement and on a day-to-day adventure, actually DO. That’s the crux for me. This is where I get stuck, where I sit on the couch and weep, where I pray and ask God for some kind of miraculous help.

And the affirmations keep coming! Even my almost-always-negative-when-it-comes-to-me mother said, “You’re an excellent artist. Start making things again.” She believes that even in this new “let’s not spend any money” atmosphere I could make a go of it.

My good (second) husband said, “Take advantage of this time. You’ve always wanted the chance to work from home.” He’s able to work overtime and is happy to do it to give me this opportunity.

But seriously! I’m asking, now what do I do? Ha. I guess we’ll all stay tuned. I hope you’ll come along on the journey and chime in so we don’t have to do this alone.

September 25, 2008

Whine

Filed under: Chatter, Mull — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 11:57 am

Fall hit the Pacific Northwest smack in the face when we weren’t looking. It’s time to dry clean the wool sweaters and buy a lighter for the candles/fireplace. Suddenly I crave sugar-laced floury things that were dropped in hot oil. And stew with King’s Hawaiian Bread.

It’s raining today. It’s cold. I’m blue. Cross. Full of anxiety and stress. It might be good if I avoided the news for a while because I can barely stand to hear what’s happening. I read this today on Wonkette: President Bush addressed the nation last night and said, “Sorry liberals I know you hate bailing out fat cat CEOs, and sorry conservatives I know you hate socialism, but please join together in my socialist bailout of fat cat CEOs, for the good of the country.”

That made me laugh in the darkest, most ironic laugh an old(ish) middle-aged, overweight and unhappy cronish/hag of a woman can muster. So hey – I laughed today. Life can’t be completely horrific.

Oh, but yes it can. I envision a life without cable modem. No DVR. We won’t be able to pay for the heat, so we’ll have to bundle up in blankets while we read books by the light of a fire. No more Diet Peach Snapple and quickly thrown-together meals from the local (and expensive) grocery store’s salad bar. I can forget about that swim spa and the SOK tub by Kohler.

In the meantime, my house is chaotic and I’m a disorganized mess. Call me silly, but those two facts must be related. When my husband accidentally called me on my (his) cell phone and I could hear him laughing with his friend at work, I got a great idea for a novel scene and will lace it in with all the other great ideas I keep but don’t get around to. I suck at the implementation portion of the writing process. Lame loser!

I need to program four garage door openers today and pick up six sets keys. That’s tangible progress. I’ll stick with that.

September 22, 2008

Notes

Filed under: Chatter, Garden Things, Politics — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 8:36 pm

it’s dark outside and the air is cool. Jim’s taking a bath. I’m watching Heroes, but absent-mindedly (that’s not a word). I started fleshing out some characters yesterday. Katie and (the confused) Jon James. Eric Anderson of course and Cyndi the trailer trashy, bipolar, man-stealing whore disguised as the kids’ beloved aunt. I think I like Storyist. Maybe I’ll buy it.

I read an essay by Jim Wallis that included a “message from God” to Wall Street. It comes from the Old Testament. It seems like prophecy, but probably isn’t. I’m sure greed and avarice has been a mainstay of the human condition for as long as we’ve been on earth. The passage comes from Micah 2:1-4: 

Woe to those who plan iniquity, to those who plot evil on their beds! At morning’s light they carry it out because it is in their power to do it. They covet fields and seize them, and houses, and take them. They defraud a man of his home, a fellowman of his inheritance. Therefore, the Lord says: “I am planning disaster against this people, from which you cannot save yourselves. You will no longer walk proudly, for it will be a time of calamity. In that day men will ridicule you; they will taunt you with this mournful song: ‘We are utterly ruined; my people’s possession is divided up. He takes it from me! He assigns our fields to traitors.’”

Mohinder Suresh is hot, I’m just saying…

Tomorrow: Finish the leasing spreadsheet, photograph the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom(s). Place the ads. Blinds? Fire/Safety system? Call the door company about the codes for the openers. Update my calendar. Walk. Refuse to buy a latte. Drink water instead.

Dig up the coneflower. Plant the coneflower into the ground. Compost, then mulch.

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