I have thank you notes to write, calls to make, people I should hug for 100 years, lovely people who sent wonderful things, beautiful pieces of art, music, prayers, offers of coffee and friendship. I’ll reply soon and acknowledge how much I appreciate you. I’m so sorry and I know some of you are worried and maybe even hurt. Please forgive me. I’m trying.
But what is it? I can’t move. I sit on the couch and look outside to watch the wind blow through the trees and I think, “Dad would have loved this garden,” and then I cry. Grief is nothing to trifle with and I’ll hold grief’s hand until he feels like moving on. We sit quietly together for long hours these days.
Mom sent me a small box of photographs and they arrived today. Going through them was wonderful, but now I can barely breathe.
Jim wanted to walk through a park with another couple tonight but I couldn’t do it. Some of it is also because my ankles creak and crack with arthritis and so I’m slow. It’s embarrassing to feel like an old woman. Sorrow and shame. Humiliation. He went without me.
On the other hand in the afternoons I sit in my wicker chair, right in the middle of the lawn, and water the flower beds in the sun. Sometimes I close my eyes and almost fall asleep. Sometimes the breeze brings mist across my face. It feels like a caress. I miss that kind of tenderness. I don’t feel it much myself these days, but I understand this is all temporary and tomorrow I’ll laugh. He’d eventually laugh if he were grieving me.
That’s all I’ve got. Here is a simple but beautiful song from someone hardly anyone knows.
June 10, 2009
Now That He’s Gone
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Hey Catherine, found you through twitter.
Thanks…I can’t move – you summed up my feelings at the moment – my mother just passed away after a long struggle with cancer. It’s all the little things that make it hard to keep it together. I’ve also been amazed at how supportive everyone has been, don’t know when I’m going to be able to thank everyone…
Comment by Ross — June 12, 2009 @ 9:46 am
Thank you for sharing your dad with us. Although I never met him, I learned a little of him through your writing. In a lot of ways this blog has documented the legacy that your dad has left behind; many people can learn from his life and your family’s story, and they can be touched by your journey.
Your honesty and realness always strikes a chord with me. Know that even at this hard time your writing is touching others and making them really feel something.
Wish I could just sit and watch the garden with you right now!
Love you!
Comment by Naomi — June 15, 2009 @ 9:39 pm
Hey Cat
I just found out about your dad. I can only offer you a hug and send my love. In the place of brokenness and grief God can do the most amazing things in our hearts. So with this in mind I offer also my prayers. I pray that you know a deep sense of His wonderful peace flowing continually through your heart as you walk through this time of grieving and I pray that His deep comfort enfolds you in His big strong hands as He carries you through this time. I pray that His joy will replace your mourning as He has promised in His words. I pray His Healing floods through your body and renews and refreshes and restores to you His health in your heart and mind and body. I love you dear friend and wish I was nearer to sit in your backyard so that as you drift of to sleep I could take the hose and water the yard for you.
Mo
Comment by Naomi — June 16, 2009 @ 8:00 am