Apologies in advance for this word dump. I haven’t written in days and there are fifty-two million words aching to get out of my head. I can’t predict a theme and don’t even know if anything I write will be coherent but the words clamber for a way out of here and so here they come.
It starts with this: In a conversation with a dear friend we mulled a theme we see in familiar blogs: Cycles.
My friend and I belong to an interesting community of bloggers. Many writers have known each other for ten years. We read a woman who feels desperately lonely and longs for a partner, keeps on trying to find her perfect mate, but manages to get her heart broken over and over again. We know a professional woman who writes glowingly about all the good deeds she does, ostensibly for the comments full of praise, “You’re such a generous soul,” the noters note. There is a short and overweight man who befriends and flirts with vulnerable women and turns on them with clever/cruel words when they are feeling weak and lost. He’s a bully, but I bet he’s a pushover in his real world. Cancer survivors write about fear. Divorcees write out their bitterness. Young women try to find their footing.
We go around and around and all around again, with no solution in sight. Some issues are acceptable and some of them aren’t. We resolve our issues and move past them in victory but POOF! The issues reappear and we have to resolve them again. I get tired. I get dizzy. I want resolution.
Reading though the lives of my online friends makes me wonder if we have any hope of ever traveling in one direction for more than an instant. At least I think that way inside of my head.
My heart tells me, “Yes! Yes! You can attain your dreams,” and I know my heart is right. Hmm… That’s not true. I don’t know my heart is right. I hope it’s right. Hope. We may not walk in a straight line, but we’re traveling in a general direction if we decide to try. This blog is about my attempt at trying.
These words are about trying. I try, then fail, pick myself back up out of the mud, take a nice long lavender-scented bath (with candles) and try it all over again. I suspect, because as my friend and I have discussed, we all seem to share this trait, all of us except the Internet Marketers who want to sell us their self-published books about how to make a lucrative career merely Twittering about your own self-published book about how to make a lucrative career. Those folks make me crazy, or jealous, especially if they’re not lying. Most of those folks are full of crap, or spam, or crap made of spam.
I Twitter because I like people. Oh! Look! A puppy.
Last year I was laid off from a job I thought I’d have forever. It took me six months to find another great job, and I was so excited about the new opportunity! I was laid off from the new job within four months when the economy took a turn towards 1939. My boss felt terrible. Terrible! He occasionally sends emails asking, “Are you doing okay?”
He didn’t feel as terrible as I did, and no I’m not okay. I am still not sure why, but this layoff on the heels of such encouragement, such assurance, such hope laid me very low. I was devastated and I’m just beginning to believe I can pick myself up again.
Here’s where I am in that process (because dear one, we learn from each other, so that’s why I share): I am terrified about money. I’ve worked (for the most part) since I was seventeen and my work ethic is pointing its pointy finger at me. But! But! I am positive this is The Time to make a one-chance-in-a-lifetime change.
I’m an artist. I’m a writer. I used to create wonderful things that people loved to buy, but then came a (terrible) marriage, then two lovely kids, a home and real life responsibilities – no time for fun stuff like art. I believe, I hope, I dream, but I’m good at those three things.
What I need to learn this time around is how to plan, then implement and on a day-to-day adventure, actually DO. That’s the crux for me. This is where I get stuck, where I sit on the couch and weep, where I pray and ask God for some kind of miraculous help.
And the affirmations keep coming! Even my almost-always-negative-when-it-comes-to-me mother said, “You’re an excellent artist. Start making things again.” She believes that even in this new “let’s not spend any money” atmosphere I could make a go of it.
My good (second) husband said, “Take advantage of this time. You’ve always wanted the chance to work from home.” He’s able to work overtime and is happy to do it to give me this opportunity.
But seriously! I’m asking, now what do I do? Ha. I guess we’ll all stay tuned. I hope you’ll come along on the journey and chime in so we don’t have to do this alone.
