I Bear Witness

October 29, 2008

Golden Afternoon

Filed under: Chatter — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 4:25 pm

I can’t decide what this blog is here for, but since it’s here I’ll use it. Today it’s a convenient diary. Tomorrow it might be another way to shill my art, especially if I can convince my artistic sisters to join me in a fledgling venture.

I am convinced there’s hope of such an adventure, a way to fund our lives with the art that oozes out of us. We’re good. We’re GOOD, every one of us. We’re as good as the best of them and way better than many that live in beautiful art-funded houses.

I came home for lunch and never went back. Instead I clipped coupons. I washed dishes and bagged up leftover trash from last month’s wedding cake preparation. Jim’s cake was beautiful.

In two days I won’t have a job. In two hours I’ll have a load of laundry folded and another load dancing in the dryer. Jim repaired the dryer so it takes only 30 minutes to dry an arm full of towels. I want to change the sheets. Dust the furniture. I crave order. When life falls at my feet, the first thing that goes is my neat gene. I crave order, yet I allow chaos. And in the chaos I can’t think.

My head might explode from stress yet the sky shines cool in blue and every time a breeze blows in from the Sound gold leaves fall by the thousands. Gold lies on top of everything. We’ll sweep it from the lawn and rake it off the gravel paths, but they can stay on the gardens – free mulch!

To review: No job, clipping coupons, ditching work, headache and laundry. Gold leaves.

October 26, 2008

Layoff’s Coming

Filed under: Garden Things, Politics — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 6:38 pm

One week left at the office, and then off we go into the unknowable future. Layoff! I’m part of the freefall – a statistic. MSNBC talks about me and so does Fox News. At first I was terrified to be a middle-aged laid-off woman with no great hope for a comparable job. For two weeks I wallowed in self-pity and (mostly justifiable) fear, but not today, baby! Now I’m on a quest. Now it’s an interesting challenge. It’s become a topic: something to focus on. I’ve applied for over two-dozen positions, but I’m not convinced that these are/were viable offers. Most of us Americans are concerned about the economy and might not want to spend an extra dime and that includes employers. I have a job interview and some kind of test this Tuesday. There is a job fair on that day too. I’ll go.

It’s time to crank up the art machine and make a few things. Time (therefore) to organize the secretary – get rid of things I won’t use and organize the things I need. I leave for Wisconsin on November 8th and will work on a body of work while there.
Maybe I can fine a mediocre (income-wise) job near home and supplement my income selling art and since I’m dreaming I’ll begin to write for odd little freelance projects here and there (any ideas?). I will find a solution because I have to. Giving in to fear and hopelessness won’t do anybody any good, and in particular it won’t help me.

Who would hire a hangdog, depressed, worried and hopeless overweight middle-aged woman? Not me.

Instead of buying things, I want to organize what I already have. Instead of searching the shopping centers for Christmas gifts I’ll either make things myself or buy from crafty Etsy friends. I’ll buy from a local dairy. Shop locally every chance I get.

We’ll turn down the heat and wrap ourselves up in blankets. I like the shift in my focus. I want to simplify because it feels right, feels better than consuming things for no needful reason. I want to concentrate on personal responsibility. I want to aim towards peace, towards charity, towards love and reconciliation.

Gardening Notes: Everything is dying or falling asleep. The hostas are yellowing. The maple leaves are on fire. The asters are beautiful and two different shades of purple. The Cosmos have new flowers in white pink and brighter pink, but the impatiens plants have melted. Petunias are gone.
A gardening expert told me to wrap our green tomatoes in newspaper and they’ll magically ripen. That represents the last of the last of our summer, unless you count the fennel that if we let it would take over the world. It’s over. It’s cold. It’s time to sweep the wet leaves off the patio and call it a year.

Politics: Nine more days. I’m voting early by absentee, but I don’t trust the GOP enough to mail it. I’ll turn it in by hand and try to breathe until a week after this Tuesday. Tomorrow. Obama. Word to the wise; turn off your tee vee. Don’t visit political websites. Go for a walk instead. Buy a handful of flowers. Bake a loaf of bread. Make stew. Clean out a closet. Give a bag full of old clothes to charity. Clip coupons. Donate a couple of cans to a food bank.

Everyone I know is tightly wound up and ready to scream.

When I go to work in the morning, I already know my boss will be loaded for bear because something bad happened to him Friday afternoon. He’d like to hold me responsible, but I’m not and not only am I not responsible, I don’t care. By laying me off, when really – seriously – he didn’t have to lay me off but he’s a Republican and that’s what they do, he set me free, just like a divorce.

It will all end up okay eventually. He’ll solve his own problem and that’s fine with me. We all move on.

October 22, 2008

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Filed under: Politics, Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 12:06 pm

We have been silent witnesses of evil deeds: we have been drenched by many storms; we have learnt the arts of equivocation and pretence; experience has made us suspicious of others and kept us from being truthful and open; intolerable conflicts have worn us down and even made us cynical. Are we still of any use? – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

A few years ago my husband and I watched a moving documentary about one of my heroes, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. If you aren’t familiar with his name, I’ll explain him in my own basic words (with apologies to historians everywhere). Mr. Bonhoeffer lived in Germany during the rise of Hitler. He was the son of a prominent professor and an intelligent, university educated mother, a well-respected family. He was a member of the main protestant church in Germany, the Evangelical Church and he was a pastor. During the rise of Nazism, he lived in America, visiting churches and learning volumes from American black churches. He returned to Germany in 1939 stating, “I have come to the conclusion that I made a mistake in coming to America. . . I shall have no right to take part in the restoration of Christian life in Germany after the war unless I share the trials of this time with my people.”

And that’s when the streusel hit the fan for Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He became a Nazi resister and earned the ire of many, if not most, of his heretofore devout church friends, friends who believed that patriotism was linked to godliness, and who allowed their churches to become part of the Nazi agenda.

Jim and I watched the documentary, watched interviews with people who lived through that era, watched film of Hitler’s rousing speeches. We heard men and women explain how they were “taken in” because of Hitler’s rousing promises of a better life for them, the superior race.
Bonhoeffer was killed for his resistance, of course.

The SS doctor who witnessed Bonhoeffer’s death later described him as a man “devout . . . brave and composed. His death ensued after a few seconds . . . I have hardly ever seen a man die so entirely submissive to the will of God.” Bonhoeffer sent a message to his friend George Bell that said, “This is the end, for me the beginning of life.”

All of that is to say this: two people had a justifiably strong reaction to my evocation of the idea of Hitler in my last essay. One person is a personal friend and one is someone I’ve never met. Both writers made excellent points.

Cathy wrote, You had me agreeing with every single word until Hitler made an appearance. I understand what you’re saying and I think that I agree with you, but I think that Jack (the first commenter) was right on.

I read just earlier this week about Godwin’s law. Here’s a little snippet from the conversation:

‘By 2007, The Economist had declared that “a good rule in most discussions is that the first person to call the other a Nazi automatically loses the argument.” And in October 2007, the “Last Page” columnist in The Smithsonian stated that when an adversary uses an inappropriate Hitler or Nazi comparison, “you have only to say ‘Godwin’s Law’ and a trapdoor falls open, plunging your rival into a pool of hungry crocodiles.”‘

I really, really like what you have to say – and I agree with you. Just be careful with the Hitler analogy. I think that you’ll lose some people once you bring him into your argument.

Using the name “Hitler” is a conversation stopper. Cathy is right. My grandmother used to do this kind of thing to me.
“I prayed for you last night and God told me you shouldn’t wear your skirts that short,” she’d say.

It’s hard to argue with God, or at least it’s hard to argue with an old country Lithuanian grandmother who believes she speaks for God. It’s also unfair and dangerous to pull Hitler into any conversation about today’s politics. I was wrong.

Even so, I am suspicious of the GOP’s recent demagoguery and I hope you are too.
This quote: If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. is often, especially on the Internet, attributed to Karl Rove, but actually Joseph Goebbels said it.

Think about that.

October 20, 2008

Demagoguery

When my son was in high school, he traveled to another town to perform with his high school Jazz Band. Colin Powell was an honored guest. After the event, Mr. Powell went backstage and shook the hand of every single student and spent a moment talking with each one of them.

My son was impressed with that man, and so was I. I’ve always been impressed with Colin Powell. He’s considered a centrist Republican. I guess if I needed to claim a place on the scale, I’d call myself a centrist Democrat, although I wildly disagree with both parties on several issues. In 2000 I might have voted for McCain (but I didn’t).

But now? I’ve lost absolutely all of my respect for his campaign because of the robo calls, McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin, and his ridiculous accusation of Obama practicing socialism after McCain himself just voted for the biggest socialistic “bail out” of banks and Wall Street hot shots our country has ever seen. I guess redistribution of wealth is okay if our money goes to Banks and Wall Street, but not okay if it goes to ordinary people.

Barack Obama is not a Muslim. And to quote Colin Powell, “and what if he is?” He went on to ask why a seven-year old Muslim boy can’t aspire to be president of the United States someday. News Flash: Young Muslim men (and maybe women, but I don’t know that for sure) have DIED for our country and yet so many of our citizens are quick to dismiss Obama “because he’s a closet Muslim,” which is why some of us like to write Barack HUSSEIN Obama as if that’s a slur. Let me say that again. Young Muslim men have died for our country because we are a nation that allows all citizens to practice whatever religion they choose to practice.

Every single reason Colin Powell gave for why he’s crossing party lines to vote for Barack Obama is to the dot and tittle why I’m voting for him today.

I am sick to death of being called a socialist if I want to see a little help for the working man. I’m sick of feeling embarrassed because I don’t have a college degree. I’m sick of people like Rep. Michele Bachmann insinuating that democrats are anti-American or Sarah Palin’s inference that some parts of the country are less “American” than others.

This is all utter bullshit and I’m sick of it.

I am an American citizen. I am going to vote for Barack Obama and I am a patriot. The hate talk is unacceptable.

Period.

An important word:
demagoguery

Noun: Impassioned appeals to the prejudices and emotions of the populace.

I believe the McCain campaign is guilty of practicing demagoguery. It’s very dangerous. Hitler was a master of this technique and heretofore decent people fell for it because they were in an economic slump. They wanted to blame something/someone for their troubles. They wanted relief from their fears. They wanted to feel strong and successful again.

Erich Ludendorff was a strong supporter of the early rise of Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany, but his opinion changed. After learning that Hitler was appointed Chancellor, he expressed his opinion about the appointment to German President Paul von Hindenburg:

“By appointing Hitler Chancellor of the Reich, you have handed over our sacred German Fatherland to one of the greatest demagogues of all time. I prophesy to you this evil man will plunge our Reich into the abyss and will inflict immeasurable woe on our nation. Future generations will curse you in your grave for this action.”

Historians agree that Hitler was a perfect example of a demagogue, because he successfully grabbed his power and authority by appealing to the ethnic and nationalistic prejudices, fears, worries and even (dare I say it?)vanities of the German people, much like McCain and his pundits are doing today. It’s frightening.

This excellent video illustrates the use of modern demagoguery. See if you can hear “code words” and suggestions that play on the prejudices, fears, worries and vanities of the Amercian people.

October 17, 2008

Friday Words

Filed under: Chatter, Mull — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 1:49 pm

We’re running away for the weekend and joining husband’s parents in a little campground up in the mountains in a quaint German town because it’s Oktoberfest and we want to see old men dancing polkas in leather shorts while swilling cold German beers.

Plus the drive will be nice: Autumn color and maybe a little snow on the mountain pass.

I apply for every job I can find and so far haven’t received a single response. Am I worried? I’m freaked out and have to force myself to calm down, have to take deep breaths and close my eyes, make myself trust that things will be fine. They’ll be fine. They’ll be fine, and suddenly come the tears – uninvited. I don’t want anyone to see me cry, not anymore. I don’t know why I feel that way. But I feel that way.

It’s quiet in my office and it’s obvious I don’t belong there anymore. My boss is biding his time. I’m biding my time. He said I could do whatever I need to do. “I won’t ask you where you are if you’re gone,” he said.

Today I took advantage of that, came home for lunch to do a few loads of laundry, clean the kitchen, put my summer clothes in a Rubbermaid box, and sometimes sit and look outside – trying not to weep. I should go back to the office, just appear, because it feeds the work ethic my father gave to me, but in my father’s day companies showed a loyalty to their employees, but that’s not how it works today. So many commas. So many buts and ands.

I love our home. I love what it means, what we’ve done here, how much of our hearts we’ve poured into this place. With a wave of a dark hand, all of it could be gone. Scary things can happen at any unexpected time, I get that. I could die. Jim could die. One of us could grow ill. We could break something, sprain something.

Do you know that because of the strike we don’t have health insurance?

I whine about that too much, but I see political commercials on television. I hear the voices filled with pain explaining how their father’s cancer caused bankruptcy and financial doom. Their words feel like warnings.

Good things surround us too. Lovely things. Friends and laughter. Family. Pumpkins and Fall colors. Dogs and cats who love us.

My daughter had enough air miles to buy me a ticket to see her in November. Jim and I had planned on seeing our family this Christmas, but we can’t now. She knew I was terribly sad, so this is her gift to me. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter. I love her, can’t wait to spend a week with her.

And I think I’ll leave it at that.

 

 

October 13, 2008

Ache

Filed under: Chatter, Mull — Tags: , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 3:55 pm

I came home early today. My head throbs and every joint screams for relief. I have an autumn cold. Stress! Twitching eyelids! Aches. Husband came home early. He’s sick too. His boss is also sick and so is Francisco, the man who works for me. We all need to go to our houses and heal alone.

Husband decided to go to bed to sleep the rest of the day away. I’ll write a couple of paragraphs; such as they are (cloudy, obscure, meaningless) and soak my head in the bubbly tub. Who knows where it will go from there? 

All day I mumble, every day, “Please God, will you help me? Help me find a good job,” and then I search for possibilities. I apply for anything that seems even passable, but dozen of us, dozen of dozens possibly, are applying for the same things.

We can pay the mortgage for three more months because Husband pulled money out of our 401k. We’ve lost so much money! And then the strike. I hate the strike, don’t agree with it at all but what I think doesn’t matter.

How do we stay above water? How do we stay positive? How do we make this feel like a fresh start? A new road? An opportunity to learn?

Jim cleaned some of the garage mess yesterday. Today I’ll tackle the office, even if I only tackle one drawer at a time. It will help to organize our home, get things straight. Clean the mess. Empty our space of unnecessary things. No clutter, just fresh and pristine.

I like that idea. I want to find the energy to make this happen.

I need help. Does anyone read this blog? Do you use coupons? How do you stretch your dollars? Any helpful hints? Suggestions?

I’m listening.

October 10, 2008

List

Filed under: Chatter, Mull — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 1:57 pm

Do more laundry.
Plant fall pansies and mums.
Sweep the floor,
then mop it.
Get rid of the old clothing.
(Where’s the vacuum?)
Vacuum the bedroom,
then dust.
Clean the bathroom,
especially the floor. Ick.

I want to dive into the weekend with some kind of hope that I have control of my life. I’ve been looking at everything wrong. I have it/had it backwards (I think). My pending unemployment is a challenge, and an opportunity to learn. I want to organize my house – especially the office, especially the bedroom, especially my secretary full of artful things. I can’t even think about the garage, but there’s great potential there. We could make a shop for Jim. Someday he might be able to find his tools. Imagine!

I want to shop for needful things in a smarter way. I want to make things instead of buying them.

This morning Jim and I watched Wall Street open frighteningly low. We talked about the end of the world as we know it (I heart you, Michael Stipe) and wondered what society will look like in a couple of years. Our economy has been based on credit and debt and isn’t that backwards? Shouldn’t we base our economy on US? We are the workers, the creators, the inventors, entrepreneurs, the creative folks. Instead of importing everything we own, let’s make it ourselves again.

I can buy dairy products from the farmers nearby. I can buy local vegetables, beef and chicken from Lopez Island. I can make cards instead of buying them. We can make hypertufa pots for our garden and grow things from seeds. Split the hostas, spread the ferns. Tend the garden carefully.

This bump in the road doesn’t have to depress me. I need to think, and think fast, come up with other ways, new ways, creative ways to make my life productive. 

Mow the lawn.
Trim away the fading perennials.
Cut down the rest of the roses.

October 9, 2008

Economics and Me

I’m sneaking in a quick blog-type essay at work while my boss is out of the office, because what’s he going to do? Fire me?

I was laid off last week. I will work for this company until October 31st, but boss told me I’m free to do whatever I need to do to find my way out of my inevitable financial crisis.

“If you need to take time off, just take it. You don’t have to answer to me. I won’t ask,” he said.
Boss explained that our company is out of options and he has to think ahead. I’m not the only person he laid off (as if that gives me solace).

I’m fifty-four years old. I never believed age discrimination was a problem, but after the last lay-off (for the same reason) last October and my epic six-month-long horrific search for a job, I have changed my mind.

Winston Churchill said, “Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” I like that quote. I intend on making it my touchstone idea because certainly Winston Churchill faced great obstacles.

The new job I lost last week excited me, gave me a reason to hold up my head again. I was a productive society member. I was moving, shaking, meeting, deciding, and signing contracts again. I could proudly answer the question, “So, what do you do?” Now I’m back to saying, “I’m an unpublished writer.”

Great.

So then, failure to failure with enthusiasm the man says. I guess I can do that and I guess I can write about it unapologetically here. Why? Because hardly anyone I know knows I’m writing here. Wordpress is my little hidey hole.

The bright side: I have learned bazillions of things about the economy. Two weeks ago you could have said “Naked short selling,” and I might have slapped you. Now I can go down the road with you. “Naked short sellers should all go to jail,” I’d say. I’d launch us into an acerbic discussion about Wall Street and the deregulation-loving Ayn Rand devotees who have utterly screwed up our lives.
I read the Seattle Times business section. I pay attention to MSN Money. Here’s a shout out to Des Toups, good job! I comb through Digg looking for articles that might help me understand where we’re going.

The dark side: I’m terrified that I won’t find a job. There’s nothing out there. The terror paralyses me. A little history: I’ve held jobs since I was seventeen years old. I’m not a hockey mom and didn’t marry Joe Six-Pack (is Sarah Palin referring to beer or Joe’s ripped abs?), and I shiver at the sound of Ms. Palin’s flat A, shrill voice, but I am solidly middle class. For the most part, I pay my bills on time. Husband and I own a modest house. We remodeled the kitchen. We replaced the garage door, replaced all the windows, put in new wood floors and a new bathtub, new bathroom tile, updated all the appliances, added a pond in the backyard and filled the garden with Northwest Native perennials. We love our home. We poured everything we have into our home. Our home is losing value. It’s probably worth $20 less that it was when I started writing this whiney essay.

We might lose our home. That bears repeating. We might lose our home. The very idea chills my blood and makes my left eyelid twitch.

I’ve declared a media blackout today. I can’t stand listening to one more pundit argue about whether or not Obama “palled around” with William Ayers or why John McCain referred to his opponent as “That one.” Was he dog whistling the racists? (For the record, I think he was.)

I want to hear more about how we can pull ourselves out of this mess. I want to believe in a plan, so what is your plan? Don’t tell me you’ll form a commission to discuss the plan. Don’t pander to me. Answer my questions.

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm”

Courage. And a plan. I need a plan. More on this later.

October 8, 2008

On my Car

Filed under: Uncategorized — BabushkaBlue @ 5:59 pm

October 3, 2008

Would you?

Filed under: Mull, Politics — Tags: , , , , , , , — BabushkaBlue @ 6:21 pm

If I fell, and I fell hard, would you stand beside me every step of the way? Would you be there for me or would you walk away because I disappointed you?

If we disagreed on something important, would you shake the dust from your sandals and desert me? Would you block me because my sarcastic humor offended you?

If I hurt you, would you hurt me back? Would you have compassion when I apologized or would you nurse the hurt and think of ways to hurt me back?

Would you simply stop talking to me, but make the stoppage happen slowly, incrementally, making it hard to notice until the conversations were virtually gone?

Would the intimacy end? Would you let me lie in the dark wondering what happened to us?

If I wept, would you comfort me or cluck your tongue at my weakness.

Would you call me a name because I hold a political view that differs from yours? Would you allow me the freedom to say what I think or would you shun me passively and pick other friends?

Can I count on you? Will you help me back up when I fall? Will you hold me up when I’m weak? Will you believe in me when I lose all faith in myself?

Do you practice fidelity? Do you believe in troth? Can you keep a promise? Will we be friends forever or will the friendship die some day?

If I fell, what would you do? What are you made of? How do you love?

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